Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
