We're facebook friends in real life
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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