This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
