just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
