she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
