i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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