it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
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