i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Randomize
