It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
