My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
