how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
