i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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