then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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