The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
