Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
