I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Randomize
