alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
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