Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
Randomize
