i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
