I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Randomize
