I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
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