No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
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