I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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