Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
did i just pee glitter
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
