Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
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