my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Randomize
