Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
