Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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