fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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