I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
