She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
