plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Randomize
