It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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