There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
