After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I need a beard to bite.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
