I'm pants shitting drunk right now
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
