What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
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