The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
