I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
You are a genius and a whore.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
