somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
