i may or may not be watching the land before time
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
