sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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