I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
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