Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
