its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
