so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
