Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
