I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Randomize
