he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
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