phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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